on the way you look at it

August 13, 2007 at 1:37 am (musings)

they may be small, but i remember again that there are a few good things in life. this afternoon i couldn’t think of a single one

ella fitzgerald

driving, even though it isn’t my car

sitting in my car, even though i can’t drive it at the moment

the realisation that i can concentrate on my physics and do the problems, given some klezmer music, and a certain mood

my friends, the few who actually stick around

moments with my other friends, most of whom are really just acquaintances

smiling to approach my pretty house, even if it’s falling down around us

sitting on the balcony now the weather is a bit warmer

all too rare snuggling and conversation with the women in my life

dancing with meela

ridiculous bright joyful dresses

having short hair, even though it’s not right just now

walking barefoot again

king st gelato, though i rarely indulge

king st on my doorstep

hitchhiking, though rare

living with five amazing women, though it’s often a nightmare

a computer that will play dvds easily, though nothing else works yet

my own bed

my bright purple room

my posters, though they are all falling off the walls

that i do good things, even if none of them are working

that we have my vision of permanent queer space, through my efforts amongst others, even though it’s in peril and feels terrible

that i’ve started a newspaper and gotten a few posters up, and an asen stall on world enviro day, if nothing else at tafe

that through this course i got to do metalwork, and will probably get to do welding, even though the entire rest of it is dreary

that i’m learning about the world, even if not much for the time put in

that i’ve met some more interesting classmates than last semester

that i’m on good terms with my head of department, and can get away with things with my teachers

that i’m getting other things done during my 20hrs of enforced desk-sitting

that i’m getting some money for learning, even if it’s pathetic and the price is high

that i don’t have to jump through centrelink, job network or work for the dole hoops anymore, even though i have to sit through all my useless classes instead

that people like my products and workshops, even if i don’t have time for them

that people seem to like me these days, even if i had to cut my hair, move to newtown and put on risque workshops before it happened

that i’m learning to lead, even if i don’t have time for classes

that i can walk into a dance class and learn intermediate and advanced while i’m still learning beginners, even if that means i don’t usually have energy to do it

that i’ve gotten to do some extraordinary travel, even if much of it was hellish and i don’t have time for it anymore

that i’ve studied many languages and have insights into the world from them, even though i still speak none

that i’ve gotten to live in amazing places

that i’ve known amazing people even if they’re not all still in touch, or even friends

that i cut my teeth on exciting and important politics, even if everything went bad

that i have been free and self sufficient and organised and determined and sure and capable and charming and happy and important and good and creative and successful and eloquent and brave and funny and convincing and dedicated and patient and respected and appreciated and valued and understood and loving and solid and interesting and assertive and right and strong and fearless, and can be all of these things again because i have before, even if i am not currently very many of them at all

that i am learning and changing all the time, even if not as fast as i’d like

that i’m accepting help and addressing problems, though they be hard

it may not look all that positive with more qualifications than points, but a couple of hours ago all i could come up with was a list of problems to hyperventilate over, so i think it’s now time for bed.

…that i’ve recently gotten in touch with a few people i’m happy to catch up with, though the rest are neither here nor there

that i have people to give me hugs and massages, as complicated as it all may be

i’m there for someone who needs me, as complicated as it may be

and there are even some good things happening in the world, like smoking being banned indoors, even though it’s still weak legislation, there are more smokers on footpaths and the rest of australian politics is unmitigated disaster

i marched for my rights today, dancing barefoot down the street in a green floral dress and a calico bag that says Newtown Lesbian Militia Since 1973. why am i not happy?

there is a festival planned, people are getting excited and newq might pull through

the tafe sa will still be there, even if i don’t achieve what i want

musc may have been through the worst, even if it no longer exists! there’s a chance for a new start, and good people working on it

i live in the town reputed to have the highest proportion of queer women in the world

i meet people in my own house

people give us stuff

i’m older and wiser

i’m in fair health mostly, nothing dire and constant

i managed to get my degree, if nothing else

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