October 1, 2007 at 11:40 pm (brain, poly)

many people have been telling me recently that i’ve been following patterns, doing the same thing with my current maybe-girlfriend as i have with everyone else in my life. how do i break these patterns? for a start i need to figure out what they actually are. in heavy consultation, i’ve identified two:

i’m always understanding and accommodating. i end up with people who have major problems, and i do my utmost to not let them get in the way, in fact i do my best to help. every time i’m let down i turn around, try to figure out why they did it and try to support them in not needing to act that way again. i’m told how wonderful i am for all this, then they turn around and take advantage of me. lie to me. which brings me to:

i find it imperative to know where i stand. these days i am very clear on this. i emphasise my need for honesty and trust, and ask people to be honest with me even if i’m not going to like what needs to be said. i assume they’ve listened and understood what i said, and i believe it when everyone says yes, from ‘absolutely’ to ‘i’ll do my best’. i get let down. hard. even after i’ve justified and understood and accomodated almost everything. especially when they repeatedly apologise but never change anything, or alternatively change by preventing me from offering the small things i can, whilst continuing to take advantage of me in other ways that don’t even bring me any joy.

i don’t know what to do about either of these. is there some problem with who i choose – not that i ever really do the choosing – or are people to be expected to be like this? if it’s the latter, then how on earth do we have society? how can i live in this world if i’m the only one in the world who finds honesty and kindness important? or am i actually not living up to my own ideals either – do i actually affect people in the same way and just not realise?


1 Comment

  1. Anna Aniston said,

    I think you affect people in strange ways. I’ve never really interacted with anyone like this. I’ve never been in this position before (that I remember anyway). It feels like being lead into a tunnel where the only way out is to hurt you, the only way forward is to hurt you in a different way.

    Being dishonest isn’t something that people always want to do (well, most people anyway). Putting such faith in other people is as heartbreaking as having none.

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