today i got some mail – a postcard and a dvd of photos courtesy of kat, all the way from canada. now i can stop worrying about it – about the photos, about the interaction, about her. i’ve been putting too much energy into too many things and people, and a fair chunk of them aren’t positive. if kat becomes a positive part of my life again, actually contacting me and being friendly, then good. if not, or not yet, that’s ok too. i don’t need anything from her, she can wait in the back of my mind as a benign presence, not a bloodclot. ok, yes, there is also the small matter of driving home with it squealing with glee, but that’s a different question!
not so happily, my support of my current girlfriend through her dramas with her other boyfriend has been compared to one half of a discordant duelling banjo act; if she can’t think of me independently of him then all those hugs and words aren’t really helpful and i should stop worrying and getting drawn into the drama and supporting her involvement in it, before dramas becomes the essence of all our lives and i get as depressed and disfunctional as him. this one isn’t so easy as i do want from her, but yes, i remember that sympathy and help sometimes just allows the sympathised to indulge – yes that word i hate occasionally has an appropriate use – further in the bittersweet pain and mush that that allows constant dwelling on the beloved, which really is called codependence, however much others may dislike that word. that doesn’t help her any in the long run, or me unless i want to derive my identity from being hard done by. i don’t. maybe it’ll help him, ironically, but why should i care quite that much – i’m not the one who is dewy eyed enough to view his agressive verbal attacks and hostility to both of us as cries for help and the purchase of a litre of ricemilk as mitigation, or love. if he too could become a benign presence in my life i’d be better off, but i fear that is far away. what to do? what to do to extricate myself from the whole intrigue without leaving meela unsupported or in any way less happy than she could be, without leaving me alone, and without withdrawing from the heavy duty process which we’ve decided is the most advisable course of action at the moment? that i don’t know.
to start implementing this process in my life in general, i have just archived about a hundred emails which i have felt i needed to keep an eye on, though they don’t actually require replies. if i neglect some of these, or don’t take optimum advantage of them, or don’t notice that someone else hasn’t responded though i’ve fulfilled my own obligation, it will not be the end of the world. dozens of things i felt i should read or keep at the front of my consciousness; not only will they soon slip off the front page anyway, but they weigh me down. maybe this way i won’t forget the actual important things i need to remember within all that low level stress. maybe i should also pack away the stash of things people have left at my house, that i somehow feel responsible for returning to their owners, but whose owners don’t seem to care quite that much about. i could even clear out my weight of paper by offering my five years of humanist newsletters to someone who might want them, and just recycling them if noone’s interested. then there are unfinished projects that have waited too long and rusted, that i could also dispose of. i’ll see how far i get before my next barage of exams and work and real obligations are over and i start feeling the need for ballast again. hopefully i can find the good bits again and enrich the mix, rather than just replacing the weight.