i’ve been feeling sick in the stomach like never before. as much as i try to be patient, helpful and responsible, not take slights as personal, look after myself, not be jealous, build my life without her and not want more than she can or wants to give, things are manifesting in my body. tension with meela, references on her or daniel’s blog, entries on their calendars, status messages on gmail. little inconsistencies, ellipses, slights, every lead up to her meeting me when i don’t know whether she’ll show up on time, two hours late or not at all. every time i prepare to call her and i don’t know if she’ll pick up, or if she’ll turn her phone off. every time she doesn’t pick up, when i’m not sure, but the odds are that she didn’t just not hear it. every time she gets that mushy look in her eyes that she doesn’t get for me. every time she doesn’t take me seriously, or is inattentive. it’s usually when she’s not present, though sometimes she can be here and not be present. and it’s so hard to make time with her anyway, sometimes i get left with the residue of the feeling for days.
my other relationships, troubled though they may have been, never made me feel ill like this. my stomach isn’t dropping, i don’t feel like i’ve been stabbed, but i feel like a blender in my stomach is turned on every time one of these things comes up. and they come up so often. it isn’t good. there have been many people in my life who i have hoped i’d know five years later. it’s lovely that some have made it, and they’re more of a joy to know now than when i first got to know them. some i’m still waiting on, in close or occasional contact. a couple of people have contacted me recently, so i don’t think there’s anyone left who i’m consciously waiting on though they have specifically exited my life. i think, i hope, meela is showing the signs of being able to sort out her life in the end. i can see the progress, but i’ve found her right at the beginning of a process. how many years is it going to be of pain, of trying to appreciate her amazingness while feeling hamstrung to help where i see she needs, of putting up with, of washing machine stomach? if i don’t make it, can i come back later?