someone who is still very dear to me has been looking after me through my latest dramas. now she may need some care herself, but is about to leave the country. last time she left sydney she cut off contact at about this time, hopefully she won’t again but there are worse ways to disappear than with a text message, in duplicate no less, that says Love you. i may or may not find out what she means.
otherwise, two more dear friends spent an evening complaining to me about their bad new jobs, and are obviously, radiantly, so much happier than i’ve seen either of them in a long, long time.
last night i was up till three talking sexuality and queer politics with new friends who, though straight, can ask refreshingly intelligent questions. even though i was the one kept talking all night, by someone who, in the most affectionate terms, never shuts up, i learnt something. chosen family is a beautiful concept i’m learning to live more fully, but it is not revolutionary. i inherited it from my father, who often expressed a sense of awe at how brilliant and interesting and generally wonderful his friends are. they are my older generation of family, the people i really shouldn’t neglect, unlike my biological family who i sometimes feel affection for but i’m sure i’ll be guilted into seeing often enough. this felt particularly pertinent as my father went into hospital this morning to get a cancer on the end of his nose dealt with. by the afternoon he was home and chirpy enough to regale me with details of real estate viewings, as he likes to do these days.
over the last decade or so i have chosen for myself a brilliant and interesting and generally wonderful family. i worry at how scarred so many are, from alchohol, psychological trouble and abuse, but i appreciate them all the more as i have recently learnt to ask for help and so many people have come through for me, often drawing their support and wonderfulness from the very things that are problematic in their own lives. this support is actually a new thing for me. maybe those people who were only ever there when they felt like it are the ones who are friends but not family. it’s one way to demarcate. maybe i just needed to ask. maybe sometimes… still, i am aware of the effect that even people who are keeping their distance have on my life, and right now i’m seeing them all as benevolent forces. it’s nice.
it feels like the weekend on tuesday, and tuesday on the weekend. it’s now past midnight, saturday morning, and i can’t pretend i have anything more important to do than study for my many impending exams, except for going to sleep. but ella is playing and sensual rain keeps falling heavily on the other side of the wall, and i feel like being quiet and honest and making something curvy, pulling it from my brain with only the dark glittering world for extra material. the physics might be urgent but this is important.