today i did an appaling exam, the kind i worry i’ve failed. that doesn’t happen often. we were all in the same boat, but that doesn’t help much when i don’t find out my marks till next monday, and if i failed i have to sit down there and then to do the retest, or fail the subject. i can’t really study just in case, i’ve worked on almost everything i could find already, and have seven more exams to prepare for anyway
the afternoon i procrastinated away pleasantly and productively, chatting to many people and mending clothes. when the sun started to set i finally attacked my work for the next exam, in front of a movie. cabaret is an old favourite, but i haven’t watched it since i read the book a year or two ago, and certain parts have suddenly become intensely personal. that’s thanks to my life, not my reading. how did i get myself into a situation so similar to a cautionary tale i know so well? did gender issues direct my focus the wrong way, or did i never actually consider it cautionary? i suspect the latter. it always spoke to me, but now it’s the pain, betrayal, vulnerability, internal conflict and compromise, irresponsibility, attachment and power relations, where maybe i used to see more of the freedom, risk, context, dissent, charm, integrity, intoxication, idealism, and waving the train goodbye with a smile.
these are still good, but did i think that i’d avoid the flipsides? or that they wouldn’t hurt? or maybe just that they pass? maybe. maybe i was right after all.